Tips for Parents of Addicted Adult Children
When your child was growing up, you believed parenting would become easier once they became an adult. But this turned out not to be the case because your grown child is addicted to using substances. Living in this reality has consumed your focus and has become your worst nightmare.
As a parent myself who walked alongside my daughter Zoe in her journey as she struggled with her 14-year opioid dependence, the world stopped for me and yet artificially I had to keep going forward. Living in a constant state of anticipatory grief, wondering if this was the day I was going to get the call and the devastating sense of helplessness and hopelessness I experienced as this progressive disease cast its dark shadow over my beautiful girl, I had to face some hard truths about myself.
8 Practical Tips for Parents of Adult Children Struggling with Addiction
The following are some tips that I would suggest for parents going through such an excruciating time with their adult child – take what makes sense to you as not all of the following will apply to your unique situation:
1. Your adult child’s substance misuse is not your project.
You say, “This is my child after all and my role as their parent is to protect them, isn’t that right?” Truth is, when we become overly involved in our adult children’s lives, we are sending them the message that they are incapable of managing their life which is such a disempowering message to anybody.
2. Cutting off your limbs to save your child isn’t going to absolve your guilt or guarantee the outcome you want.
As parents there were mistakes made along the way. We may have already suspected they were vulnerable to addiction when they were children and tried, unsuccessfully, to get in front of it. Nowhere did you ever say to your child – go get addicted to drugs – in words or actions. Self-sacrifice on your part fuels the addiction in your adult child as it’s agenda is scorched earth.
3. Make the distinction between your adult child and the addiction itself. Know who you are talking to at all times.
If the focus is on the addicted part of your adult child, you will miss out on the other aspects of who they are. What are their hopes and dreams? Plans for the future? What are they good at? What do you love about them? Look for the moments you can connect with your adult child’s authentic self. Know when you are talking to the addiction as it will stop at nothing to get what it wants from you and have a safety plan in place.
4. Know your capacity to support your adult child based on the reality of your situation and hold the line.
Substance use disorder is a lifelong disease and your adult child’s sobriety will not give you peace of mind or come with any guarantees. Relapse is a potential part of the stages of change for addiction. What are your limits, financially, physically, mentally and emotionally? What choices can you live with? What are the consequences of the choices you do make?
5. Don’t make every encounter with your child, about addiction, treatment and recovery based on how you expect it to look like.
There are many choices now for recovery and it may not look like the abstinence model you are accustomed to or even expect. No one ever wants to become dependent on substances and over time an identity can develop around their drug use. Learning everything you can about this issue and the options available for those living with drug dependence disorder, supports a compassionate response to your loved one.
6. Don’t try to force an adult to do something they don’t want to do.
Involuntary treatment is wrong and inhumane. It fractures relationships, promotes isolation and shame, all which reinforces the stigma that it is failure on the part of the person rather than drug use being a coping mechanism for something deeper. Even though you do not agree with the choices your adult child is making, always hold them in the highest positive regard.
7. Love the child you have and not the child you wish you had.
Connection is the opposite of addiction. It’s not easy loving a person living with substance use disorder. They too are human beings worthy of respect, autonomy and love. When you remain aware of the glimmers of your addicted adult child’s humanity, there is hope.
8. Get support for yourself.
Self-care is essential to remain grounded in the turbulent and chaotic world of an addicted adult child. They don’t need us to save them but for them to witness us saving ourselves.
Thankfully, I learned these lessons while Zoe was still here, and I can say our relationship was the best it could be given the circumstances. Tragically, she passed away from drug poisoning and ultimately, I will always remember her as my life’s greatest teacher.
“If a mother’s love could cure addiction, you would be healthy right now”
“I know, mama, I know” ~ Zoe
Guidance for Supporting Your Adult Child with Substance Use Disorder
Connecting with a counsellor who understands first hand the complexities of having an adult child living with substance use disorder is a vital step for your well-being while being the best support possible to your struggling adult child. Connect with me for your 30-minute complimentary consultation call.
