Navigating Toxic Family Systems – An Alternative to Estrangement
Your family of origin is an endless source of frustration for you and you’re considering if estrangement is the final solution as nothing else seems to be working. You set boundaries and you still get pulled into the drama. You attempt to show up authentically but are met with scathing criticism. You make choices for your well-being, and you are met with passive-aggressive behaviour and even hostility. You receive the silent treatment when you don’t perform based on their unexpressed expectations or comply with their demands. You attempt to stay neutral in family conflict and are berated when you don’t pick a side. A parent wants you to listen to their endless problems and you feel like their therapist.
The situation is exhausting, and you want to just close the door on your family to move forward with your own life. You find yourself thinking about your family all the time, trying to come up with ways to improve the situation. You believe that if only they could see how this is affecting the family, they would want to change. If they would change, the family dynamics would improve, and this would liberate you from the current toxic situation. Guilt, obligation and even cultural or familial traditions hold you back from choosing estrangement. The opinions of extended family members matter to you, and so you keep trying to foster healthier patterns within the status quo. You ask yourself, what am I missing?
It takes the effort of only one person in a toxic family dynamic to influence meaningful positive change for all. And, yes, it will be exhausting. It’s up to you to decide which “exhausting path” you believe is worthwhile to pursue – the one you are currently on where dynamics are unlikely to change or the one that moves you closer to a more peaceful life over time with the focus on relationship preservation with your family. Here’s how you can navigate and manage toxic family dynamics:
Recognizing Toxic Patterns and Assigned Roles within the Family System
Within toxic family systems, there are assigned roles for each member, sometimes fixed and at other times interchangeable. When you understand how the patterns and roles are playing out in your situation, you can begin to create emotional distance for yourself while still caring for your family members.
Understanding Limitations and Responsibilities within the Family System
A common pattern within toxic family systems is enmeshment which can create a sense of being overly responsible for stuff that doesn’t belong to you. These systems also can create hypervigilance for some family members anticipating the needs of a more dominant family member. Recognizing how to differentiate your responsibilities from others’ responsibilities, helps create autonomy for yourself and authentic connections with others.
Learning Values-based Boundaries and when to use Barriers
When we are engaging with family members that do not acknowledge boundaries or can even view them as abandonment, setting boundaries can seem next to impossible in a toxic family system without a solid foundational framework to work from. Setting boundaries based on your values and determining when a boundary needs to be supported with a temporary barrier helps protect your well-being.
Moving Forward
Navigating toxic family systems isn’t easy, but with the right tools and support, you can find your path to a more balanced life. Working with a counsellor who understands firsthand the complexities of toxic family dynamics, can help support your efforts in breaking free from harmful patterns.
Reach out to Christine Ellis (Registered Professional Counsellor, RPC-C) for individual counselling sessions to schedule your complimentary 30-minute connection call today.
