Domestic Abuse and Coercive Control: What is Happening to Me?

What is Coercive Control?

There is a dangerous form of domestic abuse that is gaining more attention, called coercive control. It is not illegal in Canada yet and the debate as to the viability of such a law is ongoing. Coercive control in a relationship is a signal that the outcome for the person experiencing may face fatal consequences, either due to serious health issues from prolonged exposure to the severe mental abuse, eventual violence at the hands of the abuser or by suicide. The psychological harm caused by this form of abuse is subtle and progressive over time where the person experiencing it isn't even aware of what is happening.

So How Do You Know This Is Happening to You?

A very early sign at the beginning stage of your relationship is you noticed your partner observing you a lot in social situations.  You noticed they didn’t have any close relationships. They complained and were judgmental about everybody except you. You may have justified their behaviour as they were shy and introverted. Alone with your new partner, there were intense feelings between you and the relationship moved fast. This person took an interest in you like no other. You may have even thought you had won the relationship lottery with this person. This is called the love-bombing phase.

Then there were the times where you may have made an innocent remark, and their responses were an extreme expression of deep hurt over your “careless” words. You began to question yourself. At first, it was once and a while but slowly your partner’s extreme reactions became more frequent and unpredictable. You found yourself in a cycle of trying to prove to your partner that you are not the person they say you are in their verbal attacks. This is called the devaluing phase.

They positioned themselves to be the center of your world with promises of a perfect future together. They became highly critical of your friends and family and to avoid confrontation with your partner, it just became easier not to communicate with your support system very often or at all anymore. It feels you are now putting on an act, covering up what is really going on. Their outbursts and verbal attacks slowly evolved into rages and are now happening with regularity. You may also be experiencing the silent treatment from them. In brief moments, they show you the amazing person you met early on, and you fall for them again. This is called the negative and positive reinforcement cycle that creates a psychological dependence or trauma bond to your partner.

You are now having symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance due to the unpredictability of your living situation. You are experiencing  confusion, self-blame, and shame. You feel afraid to leave and afraid to stay. You feel trapped. It feels like the support you do have seems to be giving up on you because you are not following their advice when what you need is to be validated and empathized with. 

Speak With A Counsellor

Leaving an abusive relationship is easier said than done. Or leaving may not be an option for you due to your own reasons such as family, time invested in the relationship or finances. It is possible to start healing in your current situation, to rebuild your inner strength and to support yourself in making sense of what is happening to you. 

When you work with a counsellor who understands first hand the complexities of coercive control and the cycle of abuse, you can be met in a trauma-informed, person-centered space with no pressure to leave the relationship before you are ready or not at all.  You don’t have to go through it alone. Schedule your 30-minute complimentary consultation today.